Crumbled by Jennifer Snyder

Author:Jennifer Snyder [Snyder, Jennifer]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: coming of age, drama, emotional, contemporary, grief new, adult
Published: 0101-01-01T00:00:00+00:00

WHAT THE HELL WAS I doing with my life? The thought penetrated deep into my skull. Cal VanHook had his shit together better than I did. What did that say about me? Rage simmered beneath the surface of my skin.

Emma had tarnished any future I’d dreamed of building with her, and because of that she’d tarnished me.

What Cal had was supposed to be Emma’s and mine. She’d made the selfish choice to end her life and botched our entire plan. Clips of her lying in her bed—the bed we’d made love in so many times—unmoving and peaceful flashed through my mind again. How could she have found peace in a decision that had brought me so much pain? Hadn’t she thought of me?

Of course she had. Her letter had said as much.

It also said how she felt I deserved someone better, someone whole, someone who could be supportive in my times of need, someone to walk hand in hand with me through this life.

God, I would give anything to be able to tell her how I still wanted her desperately, even with all she had been through. Guilt cut through me as I wondered if I hadn’t been able to get that point across well enough during the time I’d had with her. Maybe I was too busy shoving away feelings for her little sister to focus on her as much as I should. I was such an asshole. I deserved this pain and so much more.

I paused outside the hotel. My breathing was becoming jagged from the sudden onslaught of emotions. I wondered if I could have done anything differently, or if it would have mattered in the end.

The answers to those two questions would haunt me forever. I could feel it in my gut, in my heart, twisting and burning with this indescribable sensation. I wasn’t ready to step inside the hotel and hole myself up in my room. I needed air. I needed to breathe.

The river behind the hotel was what I found my feet propelling me toward. The sun would be setting soon and darkness would descend. I wanted to submerge myself in it, to watch the sun and light fade from the sky while I continued to sort through my thoughts.

When I made it to one of the wrought iron fences, I noticed a metal bench facing the rippling waters. I situated myself on it and leaned my elbows on top of my knees before pressing my palms together as though I were praying for something. Who was I kidding? I was praying; praying for this pain, guilt, and irrational anger to subside.

Why had I become so pissed at Emma for leaving? Her letter had made it clear she hadn’t ended her life to hurt me or anyone else; she’d done it because she couldn’t stand what happened to her. She couldn’t fight against the pain any longer. I’d been accepting of her answer in the beginning. How could I find my way back to that place?

My hand shook as I pulled my cell out.

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